A&E = Acid & Excrement, In My Case.

So lots of fun things have been happening this last week.

Spent an ultimate LOL night at the hospital thanks to this acid reflux business that now seems ever present in my day to day life.

Normally an attack will last approximately 20 minutes. I pace around, guzzle Lansoprazole with Gaviscon and maybe stew in a hot bath for an hour or so whilst my muscles start to relax.

NORMALLY.

This time was a right hoot, 4 solid hours of torment. Pure agony. Now, I pride myself on having a pretty solid pain threshold. I once fell out of a shower cubicle and broke my leg before managing to get a flight from Switzerland dragging my club foot along for the ride. IM SO HARD.

But this, this was bull shit man. I tried to walk the pain off and almost fainted outside my flat before vomiting multiples times. And yes, Gaviscon does taste worse coming up than it does going down.

In A&E I was pushed through quite quickly which confirmed my initial thoughts, I was about to die.

FAREWELL CRUEL WORLD.

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I had bloods taken, piss samples taken, pooh samples taken, abdominal x-rays, chest x-rays and an ECG for good measure.

I spent the foreseeable on a drip of meds to dull the pain and keep me alive. Slight Exaggeration.

After being told, in layman’s terms that there is not set cure, only prevention I am now banned from Caffeine and a multitude of other lifelong fave’s to keep the acid at bay.

Does this technique of cutting out every bit of happiness from my life work? Not always.

A cracker sent me to hell and back the other day. A fucking lowlife cracker.

Aside from that fresh hell I’m 2 lbs off a 7 Stone weight loss. I’m happy with that. Dead happy.

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I’m happy my skin is not dripping off like water. Happy my tits don’t touch my legs when I sit down. Happy I’m not bald. Happy I’m healthier. Happy I’m not dead via internal Acid Gang warfare.

Things could be worse.

I’ve bought my first 10kg Kettlebell this week and I feel like I potentially could be in the next series of Gladiators and of course after much deliberation I have decided my gladiator name would be…. Lathargica.

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Maybe that’s because it’s Monday and I’m tired but it’d a fo’sho front runner so thus far.

Laters. x

Gluten Is The Putin Of The Food World

The course of true love doth never run smoothly.

You know what else doesn’t run smoothly? Cutting your belly off and expecting zero repercussions.

I was informed several times that Post Op it was very common to gain intolerance to certain foods / ingredients that had previously never been an issue.

Did I listen, NO. Why would I?

After all. I AM BEOWOLF.

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That, or just really great at recovering from mega surgery. Like, things have been going swell so far bar the hair falling out sitchu. Lezzbeonest even that is having zero effect on my daily morale at present.

But then this mother fucker pipes up. GLUTEN.

I’ve always been of the mind-set that Gluten Intolerance is just a state of mind. A ‘Niche’, ‘Fad’ and a money making scheme to overcharge the public for really shit bread.

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Alas for the first time in my entire life I fear that I may actually be wrong.

I know, I KNOW. I couldn’t believe it either but hey I’m big enough to admit it. It happens to the best of us. I’ve gone 33 years without being wrong once. My time was well overdue.

GLUTAN IS THINE ENEMY.

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But this is all very confusing man, so out of the blue. Has this happened to anyone else post op? nearly 3 months post op?

I was absolutely fine up until 10 days ago. I ate a thumb sized piece of this warm, delicious Turkish bread. It was taunting me. I needed to swallow it.

1 hour later the pain that tore through me was unreal. Through my stomach up into my shoulders and back. My muscles were tight and I couldn’t take in deep breaths properly until the pain subsided exactly 8 minutes later.

A few days later I ate one singular piece of Gnocchi. 1 teeny tiny bite of pleasure. AGONY ENSUED.

This time I recognised the paid immediately and counted down the 8 minutes as I paced the hall way looking like The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

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Everything hurts after these ‘attacks’. It leaves my ribs tender and my body very achy. GRIM.

A tidal wave of agony is how I described this to the dietitian and I was NOT being dramatic.

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They didn’t seem too overly concerned with my situation. I should have taken a bite of that butty she was keeping for her dinner (lunch) and locked her in the room with me for an hour until the symptoms kicked in and THEN she would admit me to ICU no doubt. Probably. Maybe.

On Monday I decided to make Leigh a treat for his dinner (tea). Not having a mega appetite myself I forget that he’s probably being slowly malnourished as close to all carbs have been removed from his diet and he now lives off lettuce wraps and omelettes.

I knew it was bad when he woke me up the other night ordering Steak in his sleep. I knew it was time to feed the beast.

I made him one of his favourites. Roasted Chicken & Stuffin’ Butties. He was delighted.

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The Stuffin tempted me. I had a mouthful. Once again, I was to pay the price. This time Leigh was there to witness my agony. He wasn’t empathetic, this is Leigh were talking about.

He told me to have a pooh. I AM FOREVER CONSTIPATED. Of course I have considered having a pooh. It’s all I fuckin think about. SHIT. LITERAL SHIT.

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So why has this appeared out of the blue? I’ve tried Gnocchi since my op and was fine, no reaction. Why now?

I tried a small piece of bread dipped in olive oil and balsamic previously, no reaction. Why now?

Last night I ate a few Skips, my favourite all time Crisp and the pain taunted me but didn’t go the full kit and caboodle so I can only assume whatever demon is out to get me was only a trace this time.

Has this happened to you? What do I do? Do I have to admit defeat? Admit this is a problem, a real problem? Admit that I AM GLUTEN INTOLERANT.

Fuck my life bro, what next I ask you? You’ll be telling me next that Vegans are real people too.

On that subject. Why don’t Vegetarians eat animals that have died of natural causes? Like, old age? Surly they’d want that?

PS. 77lbs down. YAS